I hate preparing. I love the concept but I hate doing it. Preparing at the last minute is so much better, it’s more intense, I generally forget something either way, and it frees up my schedule to sit on the couch, drink Hamm’s, and watch T.V. As I was lounging on the couch in my skidmarked camobriefs drinking breakfast and watching Dora the Explorer this last Saturday, I accidently knocked off 100 Hikes in the Inland Northwest from the coffee table and it fell open to a 19-mile loop hike up near Canada. ”This is some of the wildest country left in Eastern Washington, among the state’s last sanctuaries for grizzly bears, mountain caribou, wolves, and lynx.” Normally, I would never think of doing anything remotely adventurous because it’s so scary but as I watched Dora I realized she’s just a little girl and she survives all kinds of scary adventures. And I know I’m just a chiseled, rugged man trapped inside a little girl’s body so I knew Dora’s courage would inspire me to girl-up and explore the scary wilderness.
So I scrambled to throw my stuff together for a quick and light overnight wilderness offensive. Quick because I’d need to hike about 10 miles before dark (that didn’t happen, the before dark part I mean). Light because my pack weighed in at 21 pounds (that’s including 6 pounds of water). Just for fun, here’s the gear and stuff I had on my back:
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backpack
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sleeping bag
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sleeping pad
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no-see-um netting
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groundsheet doubling as tarp
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stakes, guylines, and cord
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pillow sack
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long-sleeve base layer
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lightweight jacket
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rain jacket
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first-aid kit
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food: freeze-dried turkey tetrazinni, trail mix, 2 bananas & cream oatmeal packets, banana Powerbar, random chocolate energy bar, 3 Propel packets, hot cocoa mix, cheese & onion bread, 2 Laughing Cow soft cheese wedges
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stove, fuel, pot, 2 lighters, sparker tool, spoon, fork, foldable mug
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water bladder with 6 pounds of water in it
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water filter
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extra water container (Nalgene cantene)
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totally sweet Guyote Firefly light that screws on top of the Nalgene
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headlamp
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emergency light stick
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digital camera
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GPS receiver
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totally sweet Gerber pocket knife BM gave me for best man gift
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compass
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bandana
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chapstick
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Purell
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duct tape
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toothbrush
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flosser
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gum
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iPod
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cell phone
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car key
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driver’s license
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Red Badge of Courage
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flips
I don’t know why I just wrote that list, perhaps I wanted to add to all the preachy and condescending backpacker lists online that suck because they’re preachy and condescending. There are the preachers that give you a checklist and say stuff like…wait wait, hold on check this one out from Wikipedia, “A flashlight protects against physical injury when traveling in the dark. A flashlight is also useful for finding things in the pack, observing wildlife in dark crevices and folds, and for distant signaling.” Haha are you kidding me? Wait, you mean I might not be able to see in the dark? And who in their right mind is looking down dark crevices and folds for a freakin’ scary wild animal that would claw out your eyeball and eat it for shining a light in its face? I can handle the preachers though because at least they might help some moron who wouldn’t think to bring sunglasses. Oh wait, I didn’t bring sunglasses on this trip…but it’s an essential…how did I survi, oh forget it, just listen to the backpacking list preacher!
But my favorite backpacking listers are the condescending ones. I just plain love condescending people in general. They’re so smart and hardcore. Oof. Here, take a quick, no doubt thankful, break from my site to read this short Backpacking List Philosophy. At the end, “The Editor” says he’ll stop preaching. But he’s not preaching, he’s telling you that if you don’t go ultralight and leave behind your big poofy bunny slippers you’re “neophyte” and “tenderfeet” and don’t have any discipline because you haven’t been on the trail half your life like he has. Oh man he’s so cool and hardcore I wish I could have spent half my life walking on trails so I could learn how to eliminate 2 pounds from my pack and write about how awesome I am because of it. But wait, self-reflection moment, was I acting all cool and hardcore above when I said I’d need to hike 10 miles before dark with a pack of only 21 pounds? Well, yeah, of course I was you stupid noob.
So how do you write a backpacking list without being preachy and condescending? How about, just say what you took on your trip, maybe point out a few things you were glad you had and why, and don’t act like you’re the only one who knows how to put some stuff in a bag and walk. The idea is to tell me your experience, not what you think everyone else’s should be. Ok so from my list above, what is it that stands out to me? 5 completely unnecessary things: Guyote Firefly, bread & Laughing Cow, hot cocoa mix, gum, and iPod. All 5 of these things are recent additions to my list and they all seriously contribute to my enjoyment. Forget hardcore lightweight fascists, added enjoyment is totally worth some added weight.
The Firefly stands out mostly because it’s rad. It’s a light in the form of a wide-mouth Nalgene cap that transmogrifies your bottle or cantene into a colorful lantern. It even has dimming capabilities for makin’ sweet tender romantic wilderness love, ohhhh yeeaaahhh. “Ooh that’s dirty.” “Oh yeah baby, I know, tell me I’m your woman.” “No I mean these freakin’ rocks and dirt and Indian paintbrush and ticks just went down the back of my khaki zip-off worker pants!” “Argh, I was trying to be all…wait, what was that sound?” “I think it’s a bea…” Well I’m sure “The Editor” would play the neophyte card but it adds light to your camp, looks totally sweet, sets the mood, and attracts bears so it’s totally worth it.
The first time I had bread and Laughing Cow soft cheese wedges was on a mountain village trek near Sa Pa in northern Viet Nam. It was part of a sandwich also containing tomato slices, cucumber slices, and hardboiled egg. Best sandwich I’ve ever had no joke. The second time I gladly accepted some from Shane on my recent trek into Kent Lake. This time I remembered how tasty it is so I grabbed me own bloody bread and cheese. By bread, I don’t mean Snyder’s sliced white, I mean some big delish roll from the bakery. I was a little worried it would attract bears because it smelled strong of onion cheese so I ate it before tucking in. I need to get meself some more of that sun-dried tomato bread, now that’s tasty! My point with this whole bread and cheese thing is that taking tasty food you want rather than simply coping with freeze-dried and trail mix is way more happiness.
Hot cocoa is filthy (the new word for awesome, ya oldtimers) after a day of hillwalking and fastpacking. Tea is disgusting and I don’t like getting up in the middle of the night for a caffeine piss. I had fun trying out my new blue Orikaso foldable mug too. I was slightly irritated because it leaks at the top where the snap is but I guess I just can’t fill ‘er to the brim, laddie. And it only cost 6 bucks so I can replace it with something better in the future if I feel like it. $20 for an Evernew titanium mug or $30 for a Snowpeak titanium mug is kinda ridiculous. I used to say whatever and shell it out for stuff like that but I’ve become much more opinionated and I think those are outrageous prices for a lightweight mug. Just give me something plastic for $5, good grief.
I like gum because it makes my mouth feel clean, which in turn makes me feel clean. That’s why I floss too. I don’t need to ruin my teeth just because I’m in the wilderness. I don’t think I drink as much water when I’m chewing gum, which helps conserve water, but I know my body needs water so I force it.
I’m a huge fan of the gum thing but I think the iPod beats it by a mile. Listening to music while hiking in the wilderness is incredibly sweet. I keep it soft and low so I can still hear around me and at the same time I’m bouncing to “the boss don’t mind sometimes if ya act a fool…at the car wash…talkin’ bout the car wash yeah.”
All the Salmo-Priest Loop photos here.
First I LOL’d many times at your recent hardcore repub post on my site, then I came here and LOL’d even more. I think the last photo is a trick of some kind, but it didn’t stop me from wasting about 20 minutes hitting refresh. I also like how the scary wilderness sentence is followed by a photo of a 200′ wide road that mowed down many innocent trees, various shrubberies and I’m sure displacing many types of naturish type insects and bugs. Right now I’m not too sure you didn’t just load up the republican mobile with all this gear and went screaming up fire roads, burning fuel at an impressive rate, tossing empty beer cans and shotgun blasting out the window at assorted hikers and baby deers…
derek | August 21st, 2007 at 8:12 am |Treking poles are for grandmothers. I’m just sayin’. I mean if you actually LIKE them I guess its ok. But come on. Grandma. Where’s the prunes.
Marshall | August 21st, 2007 at 10:55 am |Hey Derek the last photo is a video. Firefox sucks and doesn’t play it quite right but Internet Explorer (version 7 anyway) does it right although the browser may prompt you to install an Active-X control. I didn’t think about the photo of the road not lining up with the scary wilderness…ha.
As for you Marshall, I think you need to reread it a few times to get it through your thick skull that you’re being a condescending gayface. Justifying poles to you isn’t worth my time, I’d rather just stab you in the face with them. There’s two k’s in trekking by the way.
Underclown | August 21st, 2007 at 11:20 am |ok, I got it now. It looks a lot like capitol forest on that trail, except much less green. Bring your bike over and I’ll show you what I mean………
It also sounds like you are either riding a small horse, or wearing horseshoes haha
derek | August 21st, 2007 at 12:06 pm |I’m boycotting your site until you make it firefox compatible. It’s crashed my browser twice, crashed my whole computer once and when I open your site in a bunch of tabs it starts playing automatically and I get a galloping soundtrack when I’m trying to view other pages…….
derek | August 21st, 2007 at 6:14 pm |Haha sweet. My site has power. I say boycott Firefox but I know it’s all part of being anti-establishment to use second-rate software developed by employees of a failed company.
Underclown | August 22nd, 2007 at 1:42 am |Derek, I changed the first photo to more closely represent northeastern Washington wilderness…mostly because I wanted to use the road pic in Part 2.
Underclown | August 22nd, 2007 at 2:27 pm |[...] just after 2 pm (AHEM, in my ”One People One Planet One Future” Honda Accord not my Republican Mobile ’76 Ford F250), stopped at Arby’s for Pick 5, and drove north towards Metaline Falls [...]
Underclown » Chiseled, Rugged Man Trapped in a Little Girl’s Body [Salmo-Priest Loop Part 2] | August 22nd, 2007 at 8:10 pm |[...] a recent backpacking trip, I wrote a list of things I took and everyone begs for my opinions so I extracted it, commented, [...]
Underclown » If Only The List Of Girls Trying To Date Me Was This Short You Might Have A Chance (Like Any Girls Read My Manly Blog) [Part 1] | September 22nd, 2007 at 1:14 am |[...] just after 2 pm (AHEM, in my ”One People One Planet One Future” Honda Accord not my Republican Mobile ‘76 Ford F250 (by the way, I’m not a Republican)), stopped at Arby’s for Pick 5, [...]
Keith and Lacey » Blog Archive » Chiseled, Rugged Man Trapped in a Little Girl’s Body [Salmo-Priest Loop Part 2] | January 22nd, 2009 at 2:00 pm |